I Will Find Happiness :: Happiness Essays

So I am a girl. What do you expect? What do you want to find here? Long hair [I've always been told never to cut my hair, boys will never go for short hair], colt legs, flat stomach, cute accessories. Do you want me to drive you up the wall with all my adorable quirks? Do you want ribbons and dresses? Lipstick and rouge? I find myself slipping between different states of mind. What should I be? Who should I be? I read books about subservience like Memoirs of a Geisha. I see television shows late at night when I can't sleep, the only time I watch TV. And there are women on these sitcoms just smiling. Non-stop smiling in their immaculate aprons and Sunday dresses. And I think of my aunt in Arizona who lives under my by-marriage-Italian uncle's will. How they are so money but she's only allowed to spend what he approves of, and he accuses her of pigishness if she eats some of the candy his son stuffs himself with. How he never mentions his 250-pound plus weight, while her bones poke out through her shirts. I see my best friend from junior high being dragged into her father's room while I'm standing right there to get hit with The belt. Huge welts formed for her borrowing a v-neck shirt from a girl at school and blue eye shadow. The shirt and make-up made her a "whore." I remember him yelling through the thin trailer walls while I was standing right on the other side. And there are other things . They all swim in my head, like a tank with too many tropical fish that needs cleaning. And I start thinking†¦ I will not appear to be "easy." At the same time I will not come off as too cold or rigid. My shirts must be low-cut, but not low enough to leave nothing to the imagination. It is better that he has something to look forward too. I will make my body hourglass like. I will be careful about my weight and skin and clothes and make up. I will stay thin, but retain hips and breasts. I will set high standards for myself and the other women around me. I realize we are all in competition for the most handsome and financially sound male, despite the fact that we are the "prize" in relationships.